This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
