It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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