I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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