Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
