i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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