Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
