Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
please come you make the beer taste better
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
