I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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