I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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