We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize