He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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