gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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