Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
