he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
