You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
