I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
