ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
