Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
