Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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