Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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