I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
