We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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