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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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