my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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