if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
