I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
