you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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