When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i wish my penis had a tongue
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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