listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
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