Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
