I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
