Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
...so i touched it.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
