I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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