your parents love me but you hate me
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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