I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
