I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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