ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
