dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I did not marry a roomba.
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