Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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