I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
