New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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