omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
