She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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