road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
