I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
