I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
