just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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