am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Screwed.edu
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
