That's intense
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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