No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
