I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
