You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
