It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
