Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
